Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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