please come you make the beer taste better
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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