There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
