Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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