Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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