the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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