what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
