Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
