so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
