We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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