so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
