My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
