So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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