yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My day in three words: secret purse cake
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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