I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
