The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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