I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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