My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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