I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Randomize
