Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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