when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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