Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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