You smell like stripper and shame
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
