It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
