then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
