you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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