this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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