if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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