why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
the liver wants what the liver wants
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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