I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Randomize
