Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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