i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize