My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
