You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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