any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
