If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
