I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
The beer is more important than you right now.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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