Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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