i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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