I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
