This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
