we have pet lesbian snakes
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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