Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
