the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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