Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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