Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
3pm strippers are depressing
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
