conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
