mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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