I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
