Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
