We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
