she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
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