You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Randomize
