I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
