I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
