The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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