Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
