he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
