dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
