Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
