i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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