I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
