In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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