We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
