my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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